Woke up this morning! Yay God for a new day and another chance at life - to live and to love and to walk in the measure of Your grace and new mercies for each day. Quite earlier than I thought I’d get up since I did sleep a little after midnight. 4:36 a.m. was the time I saw when I looked at the time on the mobile phone. Wide awake I might add.
The first thoughts once the juices of my little head started going was the things I had to do today. E-mail Uncle Paul all the work that Sandra and I have been working on the past 2 days, pack, clean the room I’m in at the Antipolo Base, pay for my stay here, wash this hair I’ve been wanting to wash two days ago from the time it was treated. I was told don’t wash your hair for two days. How difficult that was being hot and sweaty and after awhile I didn’t just feel dirty my hair looked like it needed a wash.
Then, came a quiet whisper...a thought so gently came “lay it all side” and I stopped and did just that. With a simple, "Father, I lay it all aside and ask you to be Lord of my life today, be Lord of this day and all that comes my way. I don’t think I’m up at this hour for no reason wide awake…what do you want me to pray? Who? What do You want to say? Speak for Your servant is listening." Then I began asking for forgiveness for not spending time with him, sitting and reading his word, etc. Then i felt such peace as the words I got before coming here rang in my ears…"I can fill outside of those times - the times you and I sit in a room, quietly without anyone there with your bible. Ask Me to fill you even when we’re not alone. We can have our times in the quiet and the noise." So, I quieted myself for a little while and asked Him to meet me and fill me. So I practiced what was not the norm for me after realizing I don’t have to live in the boxes that I’ve been living in or the boxes I’ve put myself and God in so as I was in the middle of these thoughts, I had the freedom to think about washing my hair and got up and began getting ready to go and wash my hair. As I was doing that…I so wanted to turn on the light to get all my face wash, shampoo and conditioner and towel out. Although I am in a room by myself, I am in a room next to three other rooms where if I turn on my light. The light from my room will also shine into the two other rooms because there is about a two feet opening from the ceiling. I didn’t want to do that while it was still dark…then when I got to thinking about how dark it was, i thought of last night and fighting fear that i felt and how it took awhile for me to sleep last night asking Him to fill me with His peace…a familiar still small voice…sweet, peaceful, loving, quiet whisper in my head resounded the words... “Even darkness is light to You”
Darkness – it wasn’t just a room empty of light or times of despair or trials or living in sin that’s hidden or in wide exposure… at that very moment darkness for me was the"fear," “unknowns,” “times of uncertainty,” “times when I don’t know what to do,” “I cannot see what’s ahead or how things are going to look or end up,” “times of risks where there is a 50/50 chance of success or failure. The revelation, the light, the precious morsel of truth I got from the very heart of my Daddy – “In the times you do not see, or do not know, or cannot even fanthom what’s ahead - I am not only with you, I am already there and even there I AM IN CONTROL” yup…in the dark where I do not see, even stumble on myself, or bump into things and hurt myself or fall even, walk in fear and uncertainty, EVEN DARKNESS IS LIGHT TO HIM…there is nothing that is out of His sight….I have to say it again…more for me to hear and for me to know that I know that I know in both my heart and mind… my Daddy is with Me and is before me - already there and even there He is in complete control!
Father help me not forget this truth…Thank you that Your word stands forever and it does not return void. I receive Dad Your Words implanted in my heart, my soul, my mind and my spirit…that it will accomplish the purpose for which it is sent. Protect it from the birds of the air…let it go down deep…deeply rooted and grounded in Your love. Thank You Holy Spirit that as You have opened my eyes to see, ears to hear, and touched my heart to perceive let it be to those that take You at Your word. Jesus thank You for the cross. And Thank you for Your love Daddy! I love you!
In Jesus Name I pray,
AMEN
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
All the way!
If I could use single words to describe where I'm at right now it would be "broken" and "weak." To be honest that's the nearest words I can think of right now. It isn't a place that i can say i'm enjoying or happy to be in but one thing I know is the Father heart of God and His love is always for my highest good. It is for good because He is good!
I'm pretty sure the wrestling ended awhile back but i tried to fight what i knew in my heart was truth but my mind could not make sense of it because with eyes through the lenses of past hurts or pain...it doesn't make sense to me... So I will take you on my journey to embrassing a truth that kept me moving forward when it comes to people and relationships.
One memory that came back to me is the time me and a bunch of people I worked with was around a table one morning and was discussing this book, Foreign to Familiar. Its a cross cultural book, on understanding hot and cold climate people, western and eastern culture, etc. One comment made struck me hard that morning, i wish i could reiterate it word for word but for the life of me can't right now. What I remember though was where I was at and I was at the end of myself, if i was asked to give anymore- I don't know what I would do. There wasn't anything left for me to give. So i broke down into tears when what I understood was said ran through my mind and right to my heart..."WHAT? people aren't gonna meet me half way? that's not fair! I have to give of myself all the time, die to myself all the time while the person may not possibly meet me." Realizing that was exactly what i was feeling. that was about 2 or 3 years ago.
Where am I at with that? I was wrestling because i didn't want to hurt anymore. so more questions came - Is it always going to be this hard? In all honesty, i was pretty much over it and more questions came. Am I going to be giving all the way all the time? I am so over giving all the way. Did You "Jesus" give of yourself all the way all the time? This was me processing out loud and in my honesty, God met me. He took me back to the cross. Me still processing outloud. Jesus went on the cross. He went all the way. He did not talk back, He did not demand forgiveness, He did not defend Himself, He took the mocking, the hurling insults, He was beaten, got a crown of thorns placed on His head, brutally beaten to where His body was marred, He carried that cross and it wasn't even His to carry, He was nailed on it, and hung there until His very last breath. He went All the way and He never stopped going all the way. In His love and obedience to the Father and His love for people He went all the way. And people don't meet Him half way all the time, all the time people turn their backs on Him, and knowing this...He still went all the way. It doesn't make sense when I try to wrap my head around it.
But if He didn't, I wouldn't be where I am today. He went all the way for me and I am sure that when He went all the way and offered it to me the first time I didn't meet Him half way but he kept on coming. He kept on coming and kept on coming til I came running to Him. I've only experienced a scratch of what Jesus gets daily...the least I can do is walk the way Jesus walked and even that He enables me to do."
As hard as it is and yeah it hurts...I've finally come to embrace that All the way is the way to go. Its not going to be easy, Jesus never said it would be but He did promise to be with me always!
Father I love You! Thank you for Jesus and The cross. Help me remember Jesus and the cross when its hard for me to give love and live love All the way with people! I either believe the Bible is True or Not, Jesus is Truth or Not, The way He lived and died and live again is truth or not. His teachings is true or not. I believe...Jesus I believe! Thank you for the grace to be able to continue to go all the way even when it hurts! I love You!!! In Jesus Name. Amen.
I'm pretty sure the wrestling ended awhile back but i tried to fight what i knew in my heart was truth but my mind could not make sense of it because with eyes through the lenses of past hurts or pain...it doesn't make sense to me... So I will take you on my journey to embrassing a truth that kept me moving forward when it comes to people and relationships.
One memory that came back to me is the time me and a bunch of people I worked with was around a table one morning and was discussing this book, Foreign to Familiar. Its a cross cultural book, on understanding hot and cold climate people, western and eastern culture, etc. One comment made struck me hard that morning, i wish i could reiterate it word for word but for the life of me can't right now. What I remember though was where I was at and I was at the end of myself, if i was asked to give anymore- I don't know what I would do. There wasn't anything left for me to give. So i broke down into tears when what I understood was said ran through my mind and right to my heart..."WHAT? people aren't gonna meet me half way? that's not fair! I have to give of myself all the time, die to myself all the time while the person may not possibly meet me." Realizing that was exactly what i was feeling. that was about 2 or 3 years ago.
Where am I at with that? I was wrestling because i didn't want to hurt anymore. so more questions came - Is it always going to be this hard? In all honesty, i was pretty much over it and more questions came. Am I going to be giving all the way all the time? I am so over giving all the way. Did You "Jesus" give of yourself all the way all the time? This was me processing out loud and in my honesty, God met me. He took me back to the cross. Me still processing outloud. Jesus went on the cross. He went all the way. He did not talk back, He did not demand forgiveness, He did not defend Himself, He took the mocking, the hurling insults, He was beaten, got a crown of thorns placed on His head, brutally beaten to where His body was marred, He carried that cross and it wasn't even His to carry, He was nailed on it, and hung there until His very last breath. He went All the way and He never stopped going all the way. In His love and obedience to the Father and His love for people He went all the way. And people don't meet Him half way all the time, all the time people turn their backs on Him, and knowing this...He still went all the way. It doesn't make sense when I try to wrap my head around it.
But if He didn't, I wouldn't be where I am today. He went all the way for me and I am sure that when He went all the way and offered it to me the first time I didn't meet Him half way but he kept on coming. He kept on coming and kept on coming til I came running to Him. I've only experienced a scratch of what Jesus gets daily...the least I can do is walk the way Jesus walked and even that He enables me to do."
As hard as it is and yeah it hurts...I've finally come to embrace that All the way is the way to go. Its not going to be easy, Jesus never said it would be but He did promise to be with me always!
Father I love You! Thank you for Jesus and The cross. Help me remember Jesus and the cross when its hard for me to give love and live love All the way with people! I either believe the Bible is True or Not, Jesus is Truth or Not, The way He lived and died and live again is truth or not. His teachings is true or not. I believe...Jesus I believe! Thank you for the grace to be able to continue to go all the way even when it hurts! I love You!!! In Jesus Name. Amen.
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